I know many of you are parents of teenagers, and I’m sorry I haven’t had much to offer you here since my own kids are still years away from that stage. Yet I’ve been seeking out some “experts” whose advice I highly value. Recently, an author contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in reviewing her book, which deals with the adolescent years. I thought this was perfect timing!
But when I looked through her press materials, something struck me. In a list of tips, she cautions parents:
Don’t snoop to find out about your tween’s love life … violating privacy by reading diaries or on-line blogs will build a wall, not a bridge of trust. Without trust you cannot effectively guide your tween through the risks and revelry of adolescence and romance.
Now maybe I’m way off here, but I feel like a paper diary is NOTHING like a blog. A diary that is kept private is one thing — but if a teen is writing online to the public, I think parents have every right to see what their teen is telling the world.
What do you think?
This whole issue began to bother me. Is it good for teens to be chatting in the blogosphere? For one thing, whatever is published in a blog is out there permanently. In real life, people grow and change; they get older, wiser, and move on to a new chapter in their lives. But if they’ve kept a blog, their 16-year-old thoughts will forever be cached in a search engine somewhere. (The same goes for adults blogging, but that’s a whole different topic.)
What if a teen later wants to interview at a prestigious university or apply for a scholarship? Will a high school blog help or hinder? Later in life, there may be job interviews, promotions, award applications … any number of opportunities. Yet if a potential employer checks the search engines, will those teenage words reflect a positive image?
So, I felt like it would be better for me to find a Christian expert to answer my questions, someone who looks for Biblical solutions to issues that parents face. I’ve approached an author who has published hundreds of magazine articles and several popular books for and about teens. She also travels and speaks to thousands of teenagers a year. I’ll be reading one of her books soon and interviewing her, so I’m looking forward to sharing her ideas with you here.
Meanwhile, I was browsing yesterday and discovered a few answers to my questions at the most amazing place! I ended up visiting Agent Tim Online, a blog written by a teen who is helping to launch a new organization called Regenerate Our Culture. Here’s what he says:
Regenerate Our Culture is an organization with the goal of regenerating our nation’s worldview away from the post-modernism holding it and back to the Christian worldview it was first built on. We believe that America is the most Godly nation on the face of the earth, but it can’t be denied that many in our nation have turned away from God in politics, religion, and their everyday lives. Our vision is to help bring about a positive change in these three important areas, and equip others to do the same.
When I read through some of his posts, I began to realize that teens who are writing with focus and a mission can have a positive impact online. Their writing can serve not only to help others; it can also enhance their own future opportunities. Yet Agent Tim offers caution to his teen readers about the potential hazards of sharing too much online. I encourage you to read this whole post, which is carefully researched and written. He says:
What is scary for many of us is this: our friends all have a MySpace, which [are] easy to find, easy to read, and sometimes easy to hack into if you know them well enough. I decided to go in and do a little investigation. My mom has done a lot more than I have, but here’s what I’ve found.
Almost everyone…no…everyone, puts a picture of themselves on their profile. Usually fine, yet it can pose a problem, especially when you consider the fact that most of the kids post not only their pictures, but also post their city, state, and country. Others post their telephone number, their school name, their full names and their friends full names, wonderful details about themselves, and other things that just shouldn’t be there.
Wow. As a parent of future teens, I find this downright scary. I’m glad those of you who are ahead of me are pioneering a path for those of us who will follow you.
Another one of the Regenerate Our Culture founding members wrote an insightful post about the use of Xanga among teens. She says:
One of the most used blog sites for teens is Xanga. Over half of my personal friends have Xanga’s and even more are getting MySpaces. While these are fun to read, there is no real purpose. When I used my Xanga, I didn’t do anything but ramble. It’s not productive.
Later she continues:
I’ve also noticed that many people who use Xanga also are disrespectful to parents and/or those in authority. It seems to be a breeding ground for irreverent thinking.
So for now, all I can say is — if you’re a parent of a teen, you should be aware of the prevalence of MySpace and Xanga — and I think you should most definitely know what your teens are writing online. I would also encourage you to find places like Regenerate Our Culture, which is launching soon and will support a whole community of talented teen leaders. (You can also sign up to become a “launch sponsor” and get this colorful button on your site as well.)
I’d love to offer my Comments section as a forum today for any of you who have concerns or ideas about the whole topic of teens in the blogosphere. What do you think? Are parents snooping if they read online journals? What are the pros and cons? Where can parents go for answers to their questions?
If you’d like to email me privately with questions for the author I’ll be interviewing, please feel free to do so. I have a policy that whatever you email me is kept private, unless I ask for and receive your permission to publish online.
Very good points and I’m glad you’re bringing the topic up. My kids are still little, but as an author who writes for teens, I care about them deeply. Along with ten other authors, we started 4:12 Live!http://www.412Live.blogspot.com
based on 1 Tim. 4:12. We figure if teens are going to be out there on the Internet, we’d like to give them something just for them.
You bring up the personal information they give, and this is indeed a huge cause for concern. I have been working with an FBI profiler to write some articles about this very topic. Things like MySpace can be a predator’s playground. How easy would it be for an adult male predator to swipe photos, create a false profile and interact with these teens, with the plan to lure them into meetings?
Way too easy.
Comment by Sarah — March 2, 2006 @ 8:41 am
Thank you, Sarah. Please, please get this information out there to parents. Everything is still so new; many parents may be unaware what their kids are involved in. I honestly don’t even know if it’s safe for kids to have computers in their own rooms — but I know homework and research may require it. Thanks for your hard work in helping make the world a safer place for the next generation.
Comment by Heather — March 2, 2006 @ 9:24 am
While I think privacy is a good thing for teens I also think it goes only so far. If I have any suspicion that my daughters (when they are teens) are doing something wrong, illegal, immoral, or plain stupid then all privacy will go out the window and I won’t hesitate to pull apart their room for clues as to their behavior.
For teens living in their parents’ home privacy is not a right, it’s a privilege. Any behavior that leads me or Shawn to suspect wrong, illegal, immoral or plain stupid actions and we will take every precaution we can in order to find out what the heck is going on. If, God forbid, our children were doing drugs or having sex or making plans to meet strangers via the internet then we had better have a clue about it so we can put a stop to it. From the beginning. Privacy be damned. My job is to protect them until they’re 18, up and out of the house and on their own.
So far, Olivia’s behavior hasn’t ever led us to pull apart her room and she’s allowed an ample amount of privacy as it is for an eleven year old. But she’s rapidly approaching the teen years and the things I hear on the news about what kids her age are like nowadays (the latest one was reported yesterday about middle school age kids having oral sex parties!!! WTF?) then the more I’m determined to be vigilant. I don’t intend on reading diaries or flipping mattresses, etc. unless I suspect something is wrong. Then all bets are off.
And anything published online is fair game whether I suspect dangerous behavior or not. If you want something to be private then putting it online is not the way to do it.
Does that sound mean? I guess I’m mean then. I’d rather be a mean mom than have one of my daughters missing or dead.
Comment by Spring — March 2, 2006 @ 10:57 am
Amen!
Comment by Heather — March 2, 2006 @ 11:02 am
Thanks for this eye-opening information. I wish I had more time to think through a helpful comment, but the point that keeps coming to my simple mind is that the answer, even to this, is in God’s Word. Of course you know that. We just have to dig in and find the proper application. This can be a challenge for each of us as parents.
Blessings!
Comment by Carmen — March 2, 2006 @ 12:25 pm
Raising teens is not difficult. What is difficult is sacrificing a parents personal ambitions and goals to do the job fully. Parents want the benefits of a postitive relationship with their teens without laying the foundational work that goes into it. That begins waaaaay before the teen years (or even the tween years begin). If a parent is there for their children when they’re young, the young will be with them when they are old. We have raised a generation of kids who are orphans in their own homes. They live under the same roof but not under the same authority.
I’ve not done a perfect job at raising my children. I live by three simple truths: rules, relationship, and repentance. I don’t have to read my daughter’s diary. She already shares her heart with me. And because she does I don’t feel the need to read.
Comment by Spunky — March 2, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
This was an interesting post. I’m from the variety that truly believes privacy for children is a privilege and not a right. Spring pretty much said it the way I would.
And yeah….if teens are going to post something online for the rest of the world to read I don’t plan on being the only one in the dark about it!
So Spring, I guess I’m a meanie too!
Comment by Bethany — March 2, 2006 @ 2:37 pm
Hi Heather,
I look forward to hanging out with you and the wonderful moms that come to your site. You are right. This is a conversation that must be discussed. Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, and others are wonderful tools, but also a place where many teens (especially our younger girls) are posting pictures and information without realizing the danger. The Internet is their world and we seem overprotective to our teens when we caution them, or check up what is on the blogs, but as someone who has worked with teens for almost 20 years, I think it is our responsibility.
Comment by Suzanne Eller — March 2, 2006 @ 3:11 pm
Oh Heather, you always have such great topics on your blog – AWESOME.
. We have given him his privacy, but he chose to share with us…
. Thanks again Heather for a wonderful post.
I have to agree with Spring – privacy is all fine and dandy, but only to her certain point. Although our son is almost 21 (still living at home) – he tells us where is going, when he will be home etc. He even calls me at work if he leaves the house to meet up with friends
Not sure what he is going to do when he leaves for Japan
Comment by eph2810 — March 2, 2006 @ 4:18 pm
Oh – I have to get Christian Women On-line button today
Comment by eph2810 — March 2, 2006 @ 4:20 pm
Well I have 2 teenage sons,one more that just turned 11, along with two younger sons. So I do know about the teen years, and I feel just like Spring. Privacy is a privilege EARNED and not a right. My sons show responsiblity, accountablity, and honesty then there is no reason to distrust, but once they breach that in any way then that privilege is taken away until earned back. My job as a parent is to protect and teach them the way they should go. I need to know which direction they are going everyday, and keep them on the straight and narrow. There is a reason that God gave children parents. He knew that they needed to be supervised and guided, and so we have that huge responsibility. Besides basic emotions that my sons may not want to share with me, or physical modesty, there shouldn’t be anything that they need to hide or keep private from me. When things are good, there is no reason to keep them hidden.
Comment by Trina — March 2, 2006 @ 4:58 pm
I’ve been through this so will leave my 2 cents. We have a close family, strong, christian, loving father….but when my son was 15 we caught him involved with porn on the net. He was taking classes online so we couldn’t ban him from the computer. Our computer was not off in another room. After I discovered it I put on a parental control program with a password. My son put on a keylogger program and found the password. We discovered again, that he was struggling again. God always helped us to *know* when it had happened.
We spent much time talking and praying with our son. He was in a lot of pain…so sorry…but so caught up in it. I told him then that our computer was dedicated to God and that from now on I was going to monitor his every minute with a program called Eblaster. It sent me reports to a private email of every keystroke, every website, etc. We were open and didn’t try to *sneak* this program on the computer. We did it to help him. We had 2 years to help him turn from this horrible *pull* before he was off on his own and out from under our roof.
Today he is 22, married (2 years) to a wonderful young woman. He and his wife were engaged for one year and followed Joshua Harris’s book Kiss Dating Goodbye. Their first kiss was on their wedding day. He’s a great kid. And becoming an AWESOME young man!! I say…guard your kids, never shame them (you know they already feel horrible shame if they are doing something wrong on the computer)…know that the enemy is trying to destroy them…cover them with your love, your prayers, and let them know that you are ON TOP of their computer time!
PS my 15 year old daughter has not has this problem at all…but she saw the pain her brother went through. And NOW she has an awesome brother and sister-in-law that ARE great examples for her and love her very much.
Comment by anonymous for this post — March 3, 2006 @ 12:29 am
great points – some i haven’t thought about yet, and haven’t had to with my own kids. Yet.
When i write something publicly, I do it with the full knowledge that anyone at all has access to it. Those relatives that don’t like me? Yeah. My kids when they’re older? yep. Public is public. I did stumble upon a blog of someone I knew – a teenager. I read for awhile, decided she wouldn’t want me reading it and I didn’t feel right about it after awhile. I stopped reading it and never mentioned it to her – but that was my choice. She made it public.
Comment by HolyMama! — March 3, 2006 @ 12:39 am
Wow — Keep these coming. I’m so sorry that I didn’t get these posted until this morning. I’ve turned the comment moderator off, but for some reason, these posts were waiting to be moderated. I didn’t get email notification until this morning, so I apologize to those of you who sent these yesterday afternoon.
I REALLY appreciate your comments, especially those of you who have raised teenagers or are doing so now — you are mentors to me! I sometimes feel overwhelmed just thinking about those years ahead. But I know God will be there to lead us through.
I’m going to put a link here to one of my all-time favorite posts from Spunky — if y’all haven’t read this yet, it’s truly an example of how I want my children to talk when they’re teens:
http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/05/dont-bend-wire.html
Comment by Heather — March 3, 2006 @ 5:35 am
OK, but remember, you asked. =0)
I agree with many of these posts but particularly with Spunky. Talk to the kids early and long, I think. Communication is the key to healthy relationships.
My big problem with the computer is not stalkers, but porn. It is so accessible and so tempting to boys (and men and women are not immune, either–online affairs are not uncommon). I am pretty sure I will never have a computer in a child’s room. When I write my emails, anyone in the family can come by and read my stuff and when they write emails and are surfing we can all see what they are doing. I also take the internet modem with me when I leave the house.
My kids both have blogs and they have their personal info on them. But then I never taught my kids not to talk to strangers, either. I have a theory that when the Bible tells us to love our neighbors that means we aren’t allowed to be afraid of our neighbors. Yes, I’m terrified that one day someone will abduct my sweet babies and use and abuse and murder them. I’m also terrified that my son will break his neck diving or my daughter will break her back on the trampoline. I could easily lock them away and never let them out of the house.
I don’t think our decisions should be driven by fear, though. Our kids don’t need to jump on trampolines, ride in cars, or play in the germy McDonald’s play places. Our kids don’t need to go swimming or eat hot dogs or play with balloons. All these things are dangerous and they are not required by God so why not skip them? Well, I don’t skip them because I want my kids to live dangerously.
Why? Because we are required to love our neighbors and that is a dangerous proposition. I don’t want my kids being afraid of strangers. I don’t want them crossing the street when they see the homeless man. I don’t want them fearful of serving in the bad side of town or in a foreign country.
So I have always taught my kids to talk to strangers. And I have to trust God to protect them or not as he sees fit.
Don’t get me wrong, I know where my kids are every minute of the day. I homeschool because I very much want to protect them. But what I care most about protecting are their hearts. I want them to love others and trust God with a radical faith that allows them to sacrifice their lives for the sake of others.
No, we are not required to have internet access let alone to have blogs. I have no problem with a family shunning these activities. My only point here is that we need to shun things for the right reasons. Fear, does not seem to me to be proper motivation. At the same time, hanging out with friends and having a good time does not seem to be proper motivation for having a blog, either. The internet is like anything else, a tool that can be used for good or ill. Are the kids using to become more loving and Christ-like or as mindless entertainment? That’s enough for me to worry about and I’m happy to let God take care of the stalkers.
Of course I have been told by many people that I am imprudent and I lack common sense. So while I try to live this way, I don’t mean to imply that others must and I don’t even say for sure that I’m right. These are just my thoughts at this juncture. My view has changed as I’ve grown and it will probably change more as I progress.
Comment by sally apokedak — March 3, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
I wholeheartedly agree with your post and the comments that followed. I have three children, 25, 23, and 14. If we had only parented our oldest child–my husband and I could have said, “We are great parents!” Then, with our second child–we learned that children come pre-packaged…and of course, are to be handled with care. Yes, we parented both children (and our third) with similar values, standards, and prayer coverage. Still, our 2nd child, who is now 23, has taken the prodigals way. We are leaning about parenting from a distance, in spite of our efforts to hold him close by. Thankfully, our God understands and loves prodigals–he waits for the world to come home.
While many of your posters do not have wayward children, if any of you know another who is struggling with a lost-child…please forward them to http://www.prayingforaprodigal.blogspot.com
This blog is dedicated to encouraging, strengthening, and supporting parents…who are standing in the gap for their children. Many times, when this happens, parents feel so isolated. While well-meaning comments from friends are welcome; there is such a bond when knowing that others truly understand and have experienced the heart ache that naturally follows a prodigal.
I’m thankful there for your blog. Mothers need support! I love the energy I feel when I read your comments/posts. I love how everyone shares and encourages. You have a great blog!
Diane
Comment by Diane Viere — March 3, 2006 @ 4:34 pm
Diane,
Have you heard of the author, Barbara Johnson? She has written several hilarious, encouraging books for moms. I don’t know how her story turned out, but she did have a prodigal son for many years. I have one of her earlier books called “Pain is Inevitable, but Misery is Optional, so Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy!” I love this book. I have another one but can’t think of the title right now — something about taking a spatula to scrape yourself off the ceiling when you discover something shocking about your child. Does anyone else know?
Comment by Heather — March 4, 2006 @ 8:51 am
Your original question was about privacy and teens, and parental snooping … I think a parent is downright foolish if they don’t follow their gut instinct. If a parent feels the need to snoop, then you can certainly pray about it, but my guess is, there is something gnawing at you that is giving you a reason to snoop. Follow your instincts. Better to find nothing and feel privately foolish than to miss something you needed to find because you read somewhere that it was wrong to snoop.
‘Snoop’ is not a good word anyway. I would call it ‘checking up’ on things.
Checking up on your children is parenting. Knowing what your child is thinking and feeling is parenting. Finding ways to communicate with your child is parenting. Following your gut feelings about each child ( as they are all different) is parenting.
Just because your children have reached a ‘certain age’ doesn’t mean that age is magic or that they know everything all of a sudden.
I believe we are called on to always be watchful and mindful of the world around us and protect our children.
As some here have mentioned, we do the groundwork when the children are young, and maybe we are fortunate to have less of a burden in this area of open communication. We develop our ability to speak openly and ask the hard questions by _doing it_, not by shying away.
Do teens ‘deserve’ privacy? Yes, but maybe ‘need’ more than deserve. But they deserve to be protected more than they deserve or need privacy.
My advice to all parents of teens is to not put yourself in a situation where you have distanced yourself from their rooms, or areas where they hang out. Come in and out, and be an active part of their surroundings. Bring them a drink, or put a shirt in a draw, ruffle their hair, kiss them on the forehead, comment on the sunset, and then leave. Make your children feel used to and comfortable with your presence. But here I am digressing…
But as long as I’m posting my opinion here, for the entire world to see, I want to add; there is nothing wrong with a parent being ‘discrete’ in discussing things ‘found’ with their children. I’m not saying we have to tell lies, but if a source needs to be protected, I wouldn’t feel bad about protecting it. Meaning, if you snooped and found something, and you don’t want to say you snooped because it would make things worse for your relationship, then I think a parent need not hesitate to get creative about how they approach the subject. One must always weigh out what is the most important thing going on at the time, and stay focused on the most important subject at hand.
Comment by Miss Roxie — March 7, 2006 @ 9:10 pm
I am very concerned about my stepdaughter and myspace. Her mother does not see anything wrong with this site and overrode her father say in getting off of it. I did tell her about all the inappropriate pictures we found of her daughter and would send them to her. The mother refused to see them and again said see does not see the harm in the site. My stepdaughter has put her last name, IM name, cell phone number, high school she attends and her activities in high school. We are very worried and have no idea what we can do. We use to monitor the site but she totally blocked us and no one can watch what she is doing..
Comment by Kathy — March 13, 2006 @ 1:26 pm