This is a quick post for moms who are taking care of babies under age 2. (Beyond hang in there.)
The other day, I did something that I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been taught. It went against my natural (lazy) instinct of doing what is the least difficult.
I was washing the breakfast dishes before we all dashed off to a basketball game. My 9-month-old has reached this new stage where she’s extremely sociable and wants someone to play with her constantly. This past month, she’s been demanding wanting more of my attention.
So, as I washed dishes, she began to fuss. I stopped what I was doing, interacted with her a few seconds, and gave her something new to play with. Still fussy. I next tried putting her in her high chair with a few cheerios — which she didn’t want. I tried something novel to her — a stainless steel pot and wooden spoon — which she didn’t want. It was too early for a nap. And everyone else was busy running around getting on their uniforms for the game.
This gave me four choices:
1. Keep working and ignore her cry — not an option as her crying was very loud!
2. Hold her while I did my chores — I can’t do that these days because I know it’s bad for my back to carry weight while I’m bending. Plus, I can’t work fast!
3. Put her somewhere safe where she can cry without me hearing.
4. Ignore my chores and play with her. This is the area I’m dealing with as I work on keeping my home organized. I really didn’t want to leave the house with dishes piled up in the sink. I knew I’d have plenty of time to play with her once we got to the game.
I opted for number 3, which goes against the grain of what modern parents are told to do. I took her to the playpen we’ve set up in our bedroom, next to a sunny window. She has several interesting toys to play with and a musical string toy that she can pull to listen to Winnie the Pooh. I put her in the playpen, said a few pleasant words to her, then set my timer for 15 minutes and went back to my kitchen work.
Was she happy? No. She cried…very loud. I knew she was safe, and I knew I wanted to leave the house with a clean kitchen. So I let her cry. After four very long minutes, she stopped. While I loaded the dishwasher, wiped down counters, swept the floor, and returned lost items to their rooms, she played and cooed on her own.
I went to check on her when my timer went off and she was still playing happily. So I even had time to get dressed and ready. After several more minutes, we left. Happy baby. Happy mom. Clean kitchen.
I’m not saying this to make myself look like I have it all together. I’m writing this to say this doesn’t come naturally to me — and I’ve read hundreds of magazine articles that would say I should forget the dishes and go play with Baby. But I did play with her — a lot — when I didn’t have things I needed to do. It felt great to come home to my shiny sink.
I feel compelled to write this to someone out there — a new mom perhaps — who might be feeling stressed out because you never have a chance to be alone. Even when you’re only caring for one baby, the demands of this role can be exhausting! You can’t leave a child alone for even five seconds once they reach the mobile stage.
I know not everyone will agree with me. I’ve read in so many places about moms who think playpens are horrible contraptions. But we’ve used a playpen with our four older children — and now our baby is learning to use one too.
What are the advantages? Besides a mom or other caregiver having a few minutes alone, the baby will be learning to entertain herself and play creatively — without anyone else around. Can you see where this leads? A baby who can play alone in peaceful contentment will later become a child who can handle “quiet time” alone.
How many adults do you know who can’t handle a few minutes of quiet time alone? It all starts with a little bit of training.
If you use a playpen, be sure it meets safety standards. Old playpens can collapse or have slats that are too wide. You should also check to make sure your playpen hasn’t been recalled. Sadly, many accidents have happened from playpen use. Kids in Danger is a website I discovered that offers many details about safety.
It seems to me you chose the sensible option. I’m of the opinion that most child rearing advice available today is backlash for the guilty feeling moms get for dumping their babies in Daycare: You’re away from them all day long so naturally you have to hold on to them the few precious hours you are around. That is if you’re home from work before they’re asleep.
It’s a bit of a soapbox of mine and completely off the topic but sometimes I get a bee in my bonnet. I understand that some moms absolutely have to work. But I’ve noticed that the majority, with some easy adjustments to their lifestyle and spending habits, could stay home with their children if they chose. It’s only for a few years, I don’t see the sacrifice.
As you know, every child is different and what works for one won’t necessarily work for the other. My eldest was fine in a playpen. My youngest wasn’t so happy about it. I adapted and figured out what she was happy with (mostly nursing). We’re thinking of having another so perhaps we’ll get to discover another beautiful personality later this year or early 2007. A playpen will be on our list if we do have another – We got rid of all our baby stuff after our littlest so we’ll have to start all over again.
(I came to your site from a recommendation of LaShawn Barber and through you discovered the FLY Ladies. Thank you! My house looks much better now. Though I still won’t wear shoes. *grin*)
Comment by Spring — January 28, 2006 @ 9:38 am
I’m so glad La Shawn sent you my way, and I’ve connected you to the FlyLady. I think about half of my readers have arrived here from La Shawn — what a blessing! Thanks for reminding me that the sacrifices I’ve made to stay home are worth it. Best wishes for a new addition to your family.
Comment by Heather — January 28, 2006 @ 5:33 pm
My baby girl is now 15. I too used a playpen. Of course…I may be biased, but I have the most wonderful daughter in the WHOLE world! (Today she came in 2nd in a French Declamation contest and gets to go to Anchorage for state!! We are a happy family tonight!)
Back to my *comment*: I was a SAHM and the best thing I could do for my daughter…was take time for my own sanity and sometimes that meant 15 minutes for MOM.
I *taught* my child to play by herself and to this day…give her something to read or make and she’s on a roll and content. She likes being with *herself*. Her brother is 7 years older so she’s basically been raised as an only child.
And yes I spoiled her rotten…I layed down with her EVERY nap she ever took! I was SO much more relaxed with my second child! LOL
Fortunately my son (22) turned out great too and forgave me for my *disciplinarian ways*.
I think you are doing a great job! Every child is different, parents need to pray for what is *right* with each child.
Playpens and *quiet* time can be used effectively! Now that mine’s 15 and still following me around…chatterbox…I use the bathroom for MY playpen! LOL
What a blessing to be a Mom. And God doesn’t expect perfection either.
Comment by Karen Calla — January 28, 2006 @ 10:41 pm
I loved the playpen (way back when) and it was great for my daughter to develop that skill to play without mom for awhile(even if it was just 15 min). I am in full agreement for what you did.
Blessings
Suzi
Comment by lucyplusfour — January 28, 2006 @ 10:48 pm
Oh girl I agree with you! A bit of time alone does not harm a child (in a safe environment of course). We started “quiet time” when ours came home from the hospital. It was the same time every day. My son is now 8 and doesn’t even flinch when I say “it’s quiet time” – he heads to his room for the allotted time to read or play quietly. My 6 year old is the same. Now my 3 and 1 year olds still object but they generally get over it in a matter of minutes lol.
I don’t know how moms do it without their kids being able to play alone. Quiet time is typically nap time for my littler ones but they have a bit of “independant play” in the mornings while the older two are doing lessons with me.
Like you, I know people who disagree with me but that’s ok lol.
Comment by Blair — February 2, 2006 @ 9:44 pm